How'd it feel making her break her religion?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
