I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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