Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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