i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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