Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
