You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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