He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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