the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
