I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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