Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
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i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
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She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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