This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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