i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
