He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
