speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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