He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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