he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Two words: blizzard sex
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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