have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
