I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Someone came in the potted fern
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
