I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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