i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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