I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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