Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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