I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
