She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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