They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
