her vagina looked like bernie madoff
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
