Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
