so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
