Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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