I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
