There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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