Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
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you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
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I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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