There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
