we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
