so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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