Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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