God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
