can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Randomize