youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
