Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
