You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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