I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
