I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
he wants to bone in the snuggie
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Randomize
