Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
