I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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