Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
