there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
