dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Randomize
