the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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