I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
