we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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