How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
