got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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