I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
