I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
