I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
