When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
