Your dad touched me again.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
