So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
