Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
