and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
